The Storm

Ever since I have returned from my disastrous flirtation with the world I have struggled more within than ever before. My life as I knew it fell apart and amidst all the brokenness and chaos I have the most precious gift in the world to love, cherish and look after.

I guess that's what makes everything all the more difficult, because all I want is for her life to be filled with joy, laughter, health, eternal life, beauty, creativity, compassion, sincerity and every other wonderful blessed emotion, life, encounter, experience, existence a loving parent would want for their child. My heart beats for her every moment. I dream of her in my sleep. I never want her to know bad pain and see the corruption or worse be negatively affected by it.

I would lay down my life for her. I want to be the perfect mommy, not in the sense of spoiling her innocence with a lust for this worlds goods. No, materialism is not an option. I just want to guard her God given purity and wonder. I want to show her how to be a loving, sensitive, godly compassionate person, who has a zest for uncovering the simple joys of life, the smell of air after the rain, a rainbow, a hundred year old redwood, the smile of a person who's day you just made better, the taste of fruit that just fell from a tree, the sound of music as it makes your toes wiggle and hips sway, the sound of silence, meditating on Psalms and other sacred writings, feeling tears flow as the Presence of God washes over your soul, to name some.

So this flurry of purpose and emotion that grips my soul when I look at my daughter or think of her, is co-habitating with this wretched fear of destruction, failure, guilt, pain, remorse, uncertainty, loneliness, grief, self loathing that has everything to do with me failing God and falling so far from where I was.

I have no idea where I belong, what I am supposed to do, whom I'm supposed to trust. I cant leave her and get a job because then I'm allowing a stranger to raise my child, which goes against every fiber of my being, so then I look for babysitting jobs where I can take her with and even if this does work and I get the job, what of the future? That's just the basic human responsibility I face, not to mention the question of my eternity, our eternity. Am I going to raise her to love God? I read the Bible to her daily, I tell her the 10 commandments everyday. I cry out for her soul. Is this enough? I fast, I censor what we hear and see. I only speak life. Is that enough?

I also think of the state of this world. The moral decay that has consumed my generation or at least is trying to. The physical destruction people mindlessly do the planet, our home in this life, and I wonder how much time is left? How much more evil will it take before everything falls apart? I want to find safety in the church but I see from state to state church to church lukewarm attitudes. People consumed with self and no real interest in the lost and dying world we live in or even their alleged 'brothers' and 'sisters'. Where are the wailing women?

I look in the mirror at a woman who is scared, alone, shaken,and hates who she's become. I see a woman that is hurt seemingly beyond repair, a woman who never was good at 'the game', who's only true desire is to be loved and love.

Where did everything go wrong? How do I piece it back together? Is this something I am to do alone? And if so, am I equipped to do the job? I struggle to believe the way I once did, my mind standing in the dangerous territory of double mindedness. My soul screaming for a saviour, but feeling unworthy to receive. I cry if not for me then for her. She's done nothing wrong, she deserves a fighting chance. I need a friend but the question is who is real and who has the answers. Who will help me and not give me a heartless deadline, making sure I understand I need to stand on my own two feet I KNOW I NEED TO STAND ON MY OWN TO FEET!! I KNOW I NEED TO CARRY MY WEIGHT. I KNOW I NEED TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE GREATER GOOD! But how can I stand when I am crippled? I need healing. How can I carry my weight when I don't know where to start? I need a guide and direction. How can I contribute when I don't know where I fit in? I need a place.

So as you can see there is a lot going on within and without. A storm some call it. A place of waiting. My heart is heavy right now and I know I am not the only one. I just hope through all this I will be the best mommy in the world. I give her what she needs but I want to give her a mother who is at peace, not just going through the motions of living life.